Where to start with this, I didn’t go to training this week, due to having a life, so I can’t report on how good or bad that was, I assume though James T Levitt held an astounding session primarily based on us using the bibs he sponsored. If you need an accountant, come to training, look at the bibs and google the name on it, he needs the work.

To the game, Chapeltown is inexplicably in Rotherham, Rotherham is an odd place, to give you a flavour: in the school where we get changed, only one of the changing rooms have showers, in the room which has the showers they are inexplicably locked behind a cage style gate, that should tell you all you need to know. Side story, we played this Chapeltown for a preseason friendly, on that day, they didn’t unlock that gate, so we ‘showered’ 4 at time in a disabled toilet, less than ideal, but teambuilding none the less.

Onto Chapeltown M1’s, for some reason they always beat us. No idea why. They just do. So, spirits were not high, especially following our loss first loss of the season to Halifax, which effected the team to such an extent that we didn’t even do a match report. Pregame, in the showerless changing room, the only thing lifting the mood was the mortal hangover of Mike Rioja Hirst.

Game on, I’ll preface this report with one piece of information. One of the male umpires had a ponytail. A ponytail in 2026. We launched into the game playing very lovely expansive hockey, we were like Ruud Gullit’s Chelsea, sexy hockey was on order, and we were delivering like Deliveroo. Link up between George Kante Martindale and Fin Saddog Needham was achingly lovely. Then step in Ponytail, a foul in their half, poor Callum Braidwood Smith (no nick name here as that name is long enough), couldn’t get out of the way, he bravely protected himself with an action which could be misconstrued as a tackle. Ponytail man decided it was the latter and CBS inexplicably got a yellow card. A bigger mystery than who keeps hitting the bollard in the new car park on Exchange Street.

After that Chapeltown scored, due to us having a hole in midfield which we decided we didn’t really need to fill and our Goalkeeper, Adam Wurzel Chard potentially daydreaming of pasties or mead. 1-0. Game heads back on, even with ten men, some great play down the right, freed Tommy the Gun Voase to three dimensionally skill his way around the D and fling the ball into the goal. 1-1.

CBS was off the pitch for nearly 3 business days before he was let back on, during this we set ourselves to defend resolutely but just after he came back on, Chapeltown slid through and won a penalty corner. I didn’t see why, but since it was given by Ponytail man, I can only assume it wasn’t one. The PC itself, which I did see … was a mess, they didn’t trap it, crossed over a few times, fumbled it into the D and somehow pushed it in the goal. Village hockey at its finest. 2-1 down.

Half time came around, Kante Martindale was happy with us, we were happy with us, what is going on? Are we growing as adults, are we becoming a supportive and functioning unit, or had we just run so much that we were too tired to be our usual selves? Who knows.

In the second half we decided as a collective, not to get sent off, which was good, so we were surprisingly well behaved in the face of 13 on field opponents. Play was end to end with good tackles coming from Ripped Knapton and Sam The Perm Smith. Bob Clark was using his physical advantage well on the wing and the game was flowing all over the pitch. Oliver Snagg Needham launched some lovely aerials, we didn’t stop them, but they were lovely to look at. Somewhere in all this niceness, we let Chapeltown score again. Again, it was a scrappy counterattack that undid us, no one’s fault really, but for comedy effect let’s just blame Grand Cru Hirst (who was off the pitch). 3-1.

Normally, last season if I was writing this, I’d now be writing about how we all lost our heads, four of us got sent off, two of us aren’t friends anymore and we lost 7-1. But not today. Something clicked, we played more like a team than ever. Starting with Stu Dexter Wood picking balls left right and centre, Springbok Cunningham shouting at us about passing, all the way to German Name Smith running his neck off, it was good hockey, direct, clean, simple. We won a PC for an outstretched Chapeltown foot stopping the ball in the D. Recently we’ve been good at these at Penalty corners, which was much needed after scoring around 4 last season. This was one of those good ones too. A clean push out and stop, Tommy Gun Voase collected it and delivered a lovely flick in the top right side of the goal. 3-2. Game on. Our tails and our spirits were up.

Then came the ‘Driff Tank’ onslaught, we threw everything at them, balls were very much to the wall. We won another PC, set a slick routine in motion, it ended up at a rejuvenated Saddog Needham: after last Saturdays antics he was keen to score again. A slap, it was perfect, it hit a Chapeltown player on its way, bonus, then spun off into the net. The most goal looking goal you’ll ever see. Chapeltown Sad. Ponytail man sad. We all set up in our own half for the play to resume, but sadly Ponytail man decided 2 minutes later, that he was incorrect and it was not a goal. What a stupid, pointless hobby we all have.

Again, there should be head loss, head locks and someone telling someone something horrible about their mum, but no, we are a team, the tank rolls on. 2 minutes later Stephen Stepdad Waite was left with no options after a great pass from Snag which cut Chapeltown in half, so he just hit it at the nearest defender who was in the D, Waite was not in the D, it was unconventional, but it won us a PC again. The PC this time was blissful, it found Fin Moses Needham in the centre of the D, Chapeltown parted like the red sea, and he literally passed it into the centre of the goal. Frankly an embarrassing way to concede. If I were Chapeltown, I’d have rather conceded the one Ponytail man robbed us of. 3-3.

The last 10 minutes were both teams just trying not to lose, and to be honest we both did that well. No one put a foot or stick wrong apart from Stephen Alzheimer’s Waite who raised the bar when he called the name of a nonexistent Will Foster to sub him off, when meaning to call Ashley Mathsmate Kelly. Which he would have got away with if Ash didn’t make such a big deal about it. He’s only sad as he thinks he’s a famous author now via his new book, Making Maths Relevant, available, amazingly in Waterstones! This rounded off the game, 3-3 score draw.

We are still top of the league, we still like each other, none of us have ponytails. The Driff tank is still going. Big thanks to the guys who drove and our families who let us out on a Saturday.